Saturday, December 7, 2013

Spiritual Healing- Temper Tantrums

Feelings are Meant for Feeling- My Temper Tantrum with God


You know, going through a break up is probably one of the most painful experiences a person will go through during their lifetime. As I'm about 2 months into my healing process post-break up, I've had so many different waves of emotion come over me. I know everyone says it's normal to go through the usual denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance phases of grief- and I've felt all of those- but there was one emotion that I experienced last night that really surprised me. While leaning on God through pretty much every step of this healing, I never thought I would have the urge to turn against GOD. I know there is probably a lot of warfare and attacks of the enemy involved in this type of feeling, but I think there are a few other lessons I needed to learn and be reminded of from my experience last night. 

The whole story surrounding last night's events are not really that interesting, but I reached a boiling point and that is where I want to begin the story. I was frustrated about a few things that had happened at work, not being able to go to bible study and socialize (something I have not done with people my age in a few weeks) because I was expecting a very important package (which never arrived), and because I had been hoping to hear back from a few people that never responded to me. Now I know none of these things are huge deals, but I think it's important to acknowledge the vulnerability and sometimes irrational sense of helplessness that can overcome a person especially when going through a loss like a break-up. As 10pm rolled around, I felt the overwhelming rush of frustration hit me as I realized that I did absolutely nothing with my Friday evening because I had to stay home waiting for a package. To relieve this pressure, I felt the urge to call my former boyfriend (I'm not too fond of the word ex) as I normally would do and have him tell me everything will be fine and that I should just relax and enjoy my evening. But I couldn't- because we are not together anymore. And then the anger set in. I broke into tears. I was angry. I asked God why we have to go through all these emotions, why he was so far away, why he didn't just step in and take my pain away, and why he just stood there watching not doing anything- and why is it so difficult to heal and why little things like a package not arriving on time can get me so emotional. And then... I told him I was mad at him. Eyes get big now. I told him that it is not fair. That I know that he is a good dad, but I am still mad at him. 

And you know what he told me back? That it is okay that I feel that way. And that he understands. And that he will be here waiting for me when I'm done being mad- that he's not going anywhere. 

So I cried some more and stayed in my angry tantrum for a little while; eventually I got myself up to take a shower to calm myself down. I kinda felt like a little kid and I even felt that embarrassment that a kid would feel when they know that they are angry at their parents but reach a point of realization that they need their parents help with something and come crawling back with apologies. Well that's exactly what I did. After cooling off I realized I had stepped out of God's umbrella covering when I told him I was mad and "stormed-off." But after doing this realized that I was even more bare and vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. So I quickly came running back and apologized to God because that feeling of being exposed with no weapons on the front enemy lines is frightening. And because I love him. 

So the main point of me saying all of this was to express how I love that I can fully step into my role as a child with God. Preferably not the irrational emotional type of child all the time, but at least I know that I can be honest with him. That I can allow myself to feel and that because he is such a good Dad, he will give me the space and time to feel and have my tantrums, just like a parent here on earth would try to do for their own child. It's important to let ourselves feel, so we can figure out why we are feeling said emotion, and then decide how to go about dealing with it. Sometimes it might be a little tantrum like in my case, and sometimes we may not know what to do next. But at least it's been addressed so that you can lift it up to God and be more specifically prayerful about this feeling. It's hard to see the fruit of something that has not been planted.---- I've learned that keeping my feelings bottled up- even when they are labeled as irrational- only separates me from God; because I keep a part of myself somewhat off-limits from discussing with Him. And I've learned that it's not the feeling that is so bad, but it is the process in the actions after the feeling that is most important. Every single time I've sent off my SOS signal to God, thrown my hands up in there air and said "I'm done,"  he has always been faithful and grabbed even tighter onto me. Reminded me that our relationship is inseparable- incapable of being severed. And that not only am I holding onto his hand, but he is also holding onto mine; just because I "let go" doesn't mean he has. 

One evening I felt a strong spiritual attack against my heart ( I could literally feel the pains in my heart and could not stand up straight) and I was feeling crippled. I cried out to God that I was losing my strength, that I couldn't fight anymore. I needed a rescue mission. And instantly, as I sang out to him songs of praise, I saw a stampede of angels with bows and arrows in hand firing at all the demons that had capitalized on my time of weakness. In an instant they were demolished and I felt an actual weight lift from my body. We live in a supernatural world- things we may feel physically are a lot of the time manifestations of what is happening in the spiritual realm. It's time we start acknowledging that so we can know how and when to fight back. 

 I don't always have the answers right away,- as a matter of fact, I usually don't have them right away. But I appreciate seeing how God speaks to me specifically once I've acknowledged something. So that is what I'm going to try to do more often, and not feel so guilty about doing anymore. And not worry so much about how it comes out, but focus more so on just getting it out. Period.

**p.s. I also highly recommend seeking prayer from someone you trust when these attacks happen- don't try to struggle through on your own. I reached out and it helped tremendously.**

xoxo Mary


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