A Lifestylye Blog

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Permission


Permission. To take the hard way...
I've spent weeks. Months. Searching for the words to tell this part of my story. I've written so many variations and drafts with dramatic titles like: "Christian and Pregnant Before Marriage!" And I deleted them all. I want to broaden it out a bit. Because I don't want it to be all about me. There's a bigger picture here. A bigger message to share...



This post has been the cry of my heart in re-connecting with my blog again.

It originated with the non-traditional start of my family. In my own pain, confusion, guilt and disorientation what I found most healing was giving myself permission to not feel like I have to live life according to a formula.


We all have times in our lives where we want to fly. We push the boundaries of our lives and we explore our resilience and the tides of life. Sure, we know the “rules.” We know the laws of nature. But our hearts are searching. To learn. To feel. To experience. To connect.


We all need that space to explore what the world means to us. What our faith means to us. What our values mean to us. This may mean going against the grain. Asking "why?" Trying on a different hat. It is in this space that we truly understand and grow to know ourselves. At our innermost core. We take all that we've been told and all that we've learned and have been taught and we say: Let me see.


We all have a yearning for permission to fly.


To get face-to-face with our Creator and say: "Here I am. Let me see." 
Maybe for some of us it's a: "Let me try."



This isn't about abandoning our conscience. This is about expanding our horizon beyond the confines of what they say is black and white. To shatter the box. To stand in the gray and say: Let me see.


Permission to experience independence. To break from the mold of systematic thought and learn about ourselves in the freedom that comes from thinking individually- out of our own volition.


Will we give ourselves the right to get out of our comfort zone?


I followed all the rules. I did what they told me to do. As a matter of fact, following the rules became a part of my identity. A sort of self-righteousness, honestly. I followed all the rules and hit all the milestones. But 
in living life under that process, I lost a bit of who I was. Or rather, I never had the opportunity to really find myself. In my mid-twenties, there I was floating around feeling like an internally unadjusted and unseasoned teen who had never embraced the opportunity to ask "why" and push the boundaries. On the inside I was crying out for the chance to be able to step out of my tidy world. 

So I did. I finally started to step out. My journey to self-discovery began. 


And ohhhh, what a hell of a journey it has been. It created some friction. Friction in my relationships, friction in how I saw the world and my career. I even dropped everything and traveled the world solo for 30 days. In my journey to giving myself permission, I learned some of the best lessons I've ever learned in life. Some were really hard (pregnant before my wedding) and some amazingly blissful (my daughter is amazing!). And my Creator was with me the whole way through it all. Never letting go. Showering me with grace and kindness. Kinder than I was to myself at times.  


When we feel stuck in our process, no matter how mundane it feels, the time we spend in the plateau is never a waste. When it takes what feels like forever to understand our questions, the pursuit is not all for nothing. The journey is ever moving forward. 
Sometimes it's a tug-of-war with ourselves. Being misunderstood. Sometimes it means stumbling or crawling. Doing whatever it takes to find our way to a place of meaning and peace. It's okay to ask questions! And to not know the answer right away. To be in the gray. But there is hope in remembering that we're not alone as we do. As we learn, as we ask more questions, as we run, as we fall, as we get back up again only to fall once more our Creator never leaves. 

Who do you turn to?

So in all of this, it may mean trying something the hard way, taking that risk with that idea we've been sitting on, giving that person a chance, exploring a new relationship-seeing where it takes you, leaving that job, saying yes to the job, packing up and moving...

The point is that we learn
When we give ourselves permission to fly- sometimes the hard way. And it will be okay. We will come back full circle. Stronger. Wiser. Full of more life.









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26 comments

  1. It's amazing how we, as adults (even more often than kids) seek permission and most often, too, from our very selves - to cry, to experience joy, and to soar and truly live. It took me a while to grant myself permission without guilt, fear, or reservation. Every permission granted felt liberating and with each freeing moment, I learned more about myself and I was able to share more of myself to others. Your words reflect an evident vulnerability, which you share with authenticity. I adore your words and I adore you: You are your words made flesh; and I am so blessed that you dwell among us. How's that for a Biblical allusion/ ;-) Thank you for such an inspiring post. I can't wait for us to spend time together and talk some more. Cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Yes!! Thank you for your sweet words of understanding and encouragement. I'm looking forward to spending more time chatting in real life together too! Let's get something on the books for February!

      xxx,
      Mary

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  2. I loveeee this post! Seriously, thank you for writing it. I've been going through a similar emotional journey and I'm so glad you broadened this out from your original drafts. I love what you said about expanding our horizon, that's where I'm at <3

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    Replies
    1. We're all in this together :) Thanks so much for reading <3

      xxx,
      Mary

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  3. I love your outfit photos. This post was very well written!

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    1. Thank you! And thanks so much for reading :)

      xx,
      Mary

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  4. This is such a powerful and inspirational post! Sometimes it's very difficult to step outside your comfort zone and take that risk, but sometimes it's exactly what you have to do!

    xo
    Sami
    The Classic Brunette

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    Replies
    1. Yes! Thanks so much for reading :)

      xxx,
      Mary

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  5. What a beautiful and honest post Mary!! Your story is amazing, and God will use it to bless others!

    xoxo A
    www.southernbelleintraining.com

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  6. I love this post its so inspiring!! Thanks for sharing

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  7. I love this post girl! Your story with spread the love of God further than you will know. It is so great that we have a creator who doesn't wait for us to ask permission but instead blesses us anyway.

    -xo, Azanique | https://www.lotsofsass.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Azanique! Your words are such an encouraging reminder of who God is.

      xxx,
      Mary

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  8. thanks for sharing such a beautiful written post, and such a personal story!! wishing you good luck on your journey and sending you so many good wishes!!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and the well wishes, Sophia! All the same to you too!

      xxx,
      Mary

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  9. Love this! It's important to remember our life wont always go according to plans or according to what society tells us is right!
    -Nicholle
    www.nichollesophia.com

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    1. Yes!! Thank you for reading :)

      xxx,
      Mary

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  10. This was beautifully written. Change never happens if we stay inside our comfort zones. Experiencing new adventures and questioning what we know is when life gets interesting!

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    Replies
    1. Yes! Thank you so much, Audrey :)

      xxx,
      Mary

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  11. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this and for allowing us to see you in such a vulnerable light! It can be hard sometimes to take a good, objective look at your life and your choices and try to understand whether or not the actions you're taking are for yourself or for other people. I'm glad you took the time to reflect and that you're giving yourself permission to be you unapologetically!

    Logan @ Signed, Logan
    signedlogan.com

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    Replies
    1. Yes! Thank you SO much, Logan!

      xxx,
      Mary

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  12. This was a beautiful post. Thanks for taking the time to write and share such a beautiful and inspiring post!

    xo, Danielle | www.glamrme.com

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  13. Beautiful post and I wish you the bestie your journey! It's so freeing to be able to find yourself!

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