Permission

Permission. To take the hard way...
I've spent weeks. Months. Searching for the words to tell this part of my story. I've written so many variations and drafts with dramatic titles like: "Christian and Pregnant Before Marriage!" And I deleted them all. I want to broaden it out a bit. Because I don't want it to be all about me. There's a bigger picture here. A bigger message to share...



This post has been the cry of my heart in re-connecting with my blog again.

It originated with the non-traditional start of my family. In my own pain, confusion, guilt and disorientation what I found most healing was giving myself permission to not feel like I have to live life according to a formula.

We all have times in our lives where we want to fly. We push the boundaries of our lives and we explore our resilience and the tides of life. Sure, we know the “rules.” We know the laws of nature. But our hearts are searching. To learn. To feel. To experience. To connect.

We all need that space to explore what the world means to us. What our faith means to us. What our values mean to us. This may mean going against the grain. Asking "why?" Trying on a different hat. It is in this space that we truly understand and grow to know ourselves. At our innermost core. We take all that we've been told and all that we've learned and have been taught and we say: Let me see.

We all have a yearning for permission to fly.

To get face-to-face with our Creator and say: "Here I am. Let me see." Maybe for some of us it's a: "Let me try."



This isn't about abandoning our conscience. This is about expanding our horizon beyond the confines of what they say is black and white. To shatter the box. To stand in the gray and say: Let me see.

Permission to experience independence. To break from the mold of systematic thought and learn about ourselves in the freedom that comes from thinking individually- out of our own volition.

Will we give ourselves the right to get out of our comfort zone?

I followed all the rules. I did what they told me to do. As a matter of fact, following the rules became a part of my identity. A sort of self-righteousness, honestly. I followed all the rules and hit all the milestones. But in living life under that process, I lost a bit of who I was. Or rather, I never had the opportunity to really find myself. In my mid-twenties, there I was floating around feeling like an internally unadjusted and unseasoned teen who had never embraced the opportunity to ask "why" and push the boundaries. On the inside I was crying out for the chance to be able to step out of my tidy world. 

So I did. I finally started to step out. My journey to self-discovery began. 

And ohhhh, what a hell of a journey it has been. It created some friction. Friction in my relationships, friction in how I saw the world and my career. I even dropped everything and traveled the world solo for 30 days. In my journey to giving myself permission, I learned some of the best lessons I've ever learned in life. Some were really hard (pregnant before my wedding) and some amazingly blissful (my daughter is amazing!). And my Creator was with me the whole way through it all. Never letting go. Showering me with grace and kindness. Kinder than I was to myself at times.  

When we feel stuck in our process, no matter how mundane it feels, the time we spend in the plateau is never a waste. When it takes what feels like forever to understand our questions, the pursuit is not all for nothing. The journey is ever moving forward. Sometimes it's a tug-of-war with ourselves. Being misunderstood. Sometimes it means stumbling or crawling. Doing whatever it takes to find our way to a place of meaning and peace. It's okay to ask questions! And to not know the answer right away. To be in the gray. But there is hope in remembering that we're not alone as we do. As we learn, as we ask more questions, as we run, as we fall, as we get back up again only to fall once more our Creator never leaves. 

Who do you turn to?

So in all of this, it may mean trying something the hard way, taking that risk with that idea we've been sitting on, giving that person a chance, exploring a new relationship-seeing where it takes you, leaving that job, saying yes to the job, packing up and moving...

The point is that we learn. When we give ourselves permission to fly- sometimes the hard way. And it will be okay. We will come back full circle. Stronger. Wiser. Full of more life.